13 May 2014

Why We Are Celebrating

The days pass and blur together.  Nervous energy overtakes me at times and I find myself needing to move.  To do something, anything.  Although battling a tough cold, I've still earned substantial satisfaction over the last few days working in the yard and around the exterior of our home... hand scrubbing algae with bleach water from our gray vinyl siding, planting beautiful containers of flowers, digging up, splitting and transplanting perennials, planting 32 asparagus crowns as well as tomatoes and bell peppers, painting lawn furniture and our front door.. I've always wanted a red door...  Last week, I caught myself organizing the items I'd placed on the conveyor belt while checking out at a local big box store - like items together and then by size and color... frantically trying to get it all in order while the belt was moving... the cashier surely thought I was having a major OCD moment!  I had to make a conscious effort at one point during my little episode to place my hands on the handle of the cart so I could resist the urge to keep them busy with pointless filler activity - I'm afraid of how out of control I might be if I didn't have a keen sense of self awareness?  Many of the lists I've made over the last few months have all their items checked off and all I have left to do is pack our bags for Boston.  It's been 21 months since we learned prenatally that Luke would need open heart surgery and over the course of nearly the last two years, I've googled as many combinations of relevant keywords that I could come up with, sometimes repeating the same combinations thinking I just might find something new.  My mind has become so conditioned with a deep need to prepare, to research and to learn about what to expect for this upcoming event that quite honestly I'm a bit afraid of how I'll find enough other things to fill my thoughts once this is all over.  I think back to the days I used to take time to enjoy reading for pleasure and the concept of having strings of hours long enough to pour through an entire series becomes almost mind boggling. 

Soon this season of our lives will be over.  Like most of the things we experience, it will probably become one of those events you reflect on that loses just a little more detail and gains more fuzz with each passing year until it just becomes one small puzzle piece of your past.  That's actually part of why I feel energized and rejuvenated through journaling... it becomes a way to document. A personal way for me to remember so I can grow from experience. A way to force myself to think through the process with logical thoughts.  A way to dig down for organic, self-induced and word inspired peace and hope.  Journaling has also become a way for me to communicate - to what end? I'm not exactly sure...  and surprisingly, it seems that people are actually reading my blog.  I watch the counter continue to tick away and often receive feedback from family and friends about my posts, but sometimes it leaves me feeling awkward.  Exposed.  Even so, I find a need to keep writing.  This experience has blessed our family with such a wonderful opportunity to connect with people in our community we'd never had a reason to get to know in the past.  As I sit in silent reflection about how our lives have been opened to new relationships and concepts, I am overcome with such an intense feeling of love and gratitude... fullness, really.  As I became a mother for the first time, I was awed by the incredible stretching power of the heart to love and that awe was only deepened the second time around.  I didn't know that the heart could expand even further until the last year or so as we welcomed so many new friendships throughout our community.  Even on individual days when there are minutes or sometimes even hours of nervous energy that fills my body, I am comforted by the love and support of our friends - those who have been with us for many of life's adventures and those who are new to our park of many amusements. 

Over the last few weeks, we have been showered with love and support... personal visits, prayers, cards, emails, text messages, facebook messages and care packages have created a sense of celebration in our lives.  After some pondering about what it is we could possibly be celebrating as we stare straight into the face of open heart surgery... it's really pretty simple... FAITH and LOVE are always reasons to celebrate and they fill each day with so much joy!!  Thank you to everyone who has reached out to support our family, we are forever grateful for your kindness!

No comments:

Post a Comment