02 April 2014

36 Days and Counting...

We have 36 days until surgery.  I wish I could stop time. Suspend it in mid air. Freeze today's frame.

Hold my baby and never let go.

I think I've done well managing our stress... my daily anxieties... although I've begun to feel it catching up with me.  I can hardly sit still.  When I have a moment where I am able to relax, I find myself relishing in busy-ness. To-do lists that never end.  Creating lists reminding myself to make other lists.  Half loads of laundry.  Painting my nails.  Switching clothes in the kids closets and dressers up to the next size.  Cleaning spots on the carpet.  Doing things that could otherwise wait, trying to take my mind off our impending trip and that moment when Luke's heart will be injected with medicine to make it stop beating... that moment when the heart-lung bypass machine will start thumping, pumping and oxygenating Luke's blood on his behalf while his heart is cut and sewn by his surgeon. 

As I read the words I'm writing, inwardly I'm torn between wondering if this is all undue drama or just good-old-fashioned healthy motherly concern.  Maybe it's both.  Regardless, I'm terrified and I'm nearly in complete meltdown mode.  Sometimes I think I could breakdown at any moment and other times I feel strong, hardened by the power of knowledge.   I started crying at my desk last week at work as I looked a photo of sweet Luke on my desk.. envisioning him laying naked on that cold, sterile, steel operating table without a heartbeat.  No wonder I feel anxious... I can't stop my brain from wondering.  When I get to this place, I work hard to pull myself back... while this is a big event for us, these people do this as a profession.  They do it every week of every year.  Our surgeon is an expert with Luke's specific type of defect.  This surgery has a high rate of success. 

He will be okay.  In fact he will be better than okay, he will be better off after the repair than he was before. 


Let go, let God.  Keep praying and loving.  While not without our earthly challenges, my life is very blessed... now, where did I put that to-do list?

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