14 September 2013

I'm a softie when I'm tired....

There's so much I could write about today, in fact, this morning I had intentions of updating this forum with what's been going on in our lives the last week and  a half.  I got busy however and didn't make it here until now, 10 hours later.... the big stuff that's been on my mind the last few days will have to wait for another time.. In this moment, I want to share an experience from this afternoon...

We've had a busy week and have spent today laying around, recovering from the hours we spent working at our county fair.  When I say we, I mean mostly Dustin.  He was up and in town before I was even awake each morning as I stayed home to get the kids up and off to the sitter.  Then I'd make a trip into town to watch the kids in our 4H club as they exhibited their dairy cattle projects.  As soon as the shows were over, I'd rush home to pick up the kids and would then drive back into town so we could spend the evenings together at the fair with our friends and family.  The weather this week was sweltering (nearing a muggy, humid 100 degrees on Tuesday!) and we are all exhausted!  I promise to dedicate another post soon to the county fair and all of the wonderful memories we made over the last week! 

Today's post is about Luke.  So as I mentioned, we rested today.  We made a large Mexican dinner last night and had plenty leftovers for lunch and dinner today, so there was minimal cooking and/or cleaning that needed completed.  There were mounds of laundry (at least 4 or 5 loads), however since they were clean, all I had to do was fold them today along with about 50 cloth diapers that needed the inserts stuffed into the pockets.  Also, have I mentioned that I'm still in my pajamas?  Early this morning, I did some Photoshop Elements photography editing, but otherwise, it was a pretty slow day... we even had enough time to watch Titanic on Netflix this afternoon.  During Titanic, Luke and I did some of his physical therapy exercises and played on a blanket on the floor.  A little later, Dustin took over with him while I worked on that mountain of laundry.  As the movie was almost over, Luke was waking from a nap on Dustin's shoulder and started to cry... since I was walking by, I picked him up from Dustin's lap and bounced him as I walked into the kitchen.  Eventually he calmed down and fell back asleep.  I walked back into the living room, took a seat on the couch and as we cuddled, he completed melted into me.  His head was on my shoulder and I could hear him breathing in my ear and feel his steam on my neck.  As I held him tightly, I could feel his chest rising against mine as he pulled air into his lungs.  I could also feel his heart thumping.  And that's when it got me.  That beat didn't feel right.  I don't think there was anything clinically wrong with him... no blueness, no shortness of breath, no quick respirations.  I'm generally pretty tough and have learned to be as matter of fact as I can when it comes to medical stuff over the last year or so, so I don't know why I was so soft tonight.  I just got a little weepy thinking about him needing open heart surgery.  I know it has to happen for him to be better, but feeling that little heart beating was just a huge reminder that things aren't "right" inside that precious little body of his.  It hurts me to think about him going through an invasive operation and there is always that little fear that things won't go as planned.... tonight when he had completely surrendered to me as I wrapped him in the warmth of my arms, I felt vulnerable too. 

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the blessing you gave our family in the form of our sweet Luke.  Lord, we are working hard to do right by him (and Matthew, too) so we can help them to grow and learn about your love, but we need your help.  Sometimes, it all feels like too much and I can feel the walls closing in around me.  Please give me the gift of strength and be with us as we made decisions for their future and assist us as we navigate through our days on this earth.  In your name we pray, Amen.


  1. Your family and Luke are in my prayers! I can't imagine what you are feeling right but know that little boy of yours is strong and is a fighter. He will do amazing! Hugs and kisses from Texas!

  2. We only had two weeks notice for Ben's open heart surgery so we didn't need to agonize over it for very long. The night before surgery and saying goodbye were the worst moments. Somehow during surgery, I was at peace because there was no turning back. Recovery was 6 days long followed by a month of discomfort for Ben. But now, over two years later, that two months span of worry and pain are a blip on the radar. At this time next year, Luke's open heart surgery will be a distant memory!